This chapter is also available as audiobook
“This is the true joy in life, being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. Being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.” – George Bernard Shaw
“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” – Howard Thurman
The ingredients of the “true joy of life”, and how to find them
This chapter is our first comprehensive dive into the Authentic Relating and Circling movement, the practices, and why they are so powerful. I will attempt to systematically unpack what A/R and Circling are really about and how you can use them to achieve relational intelligence (and from there, relational wealth leading to happiness and success). After reading this chapter, you ought to have a comprehensive (although not necessarily deep) understanding of what this is all about and why so many of us are so excited. The next Chapter 4 will pick-up where we left off here, while Chapter 5 is a practice guide, which you would do well to read either before attending your first circle, or not too far into your Circling journey. That will complete Part 1 of this book.
Remember, however, that you cannot acquire relational intelligence by reading a book. You will need to find a community of practice. It doesn’t have to be Authentic Relating. I say more about this below.
I will start with my personal relationship to the writing, my intention. This, by the way, is called “context setting”, or maybe “context-aware”: it means, essentially, naming what is happening in the here-and-now, which includes the intentions and/or desires which create your speech and actions. Context-setting (or context-aware) is a so-called “integral” practice (more about this later) because in it, you are simultaneously aware of what you are saying (the content), and of your underlying motives, the feelings and needs which are driving your communications (the context). Once you learn how to do this, and do it consistently, it will (at minimum) double the power of your communications. All good leaders know this already, even if they are not trained in A/R.
So here is my context-setting for the writing of this book.
This book is both the result (the product or artifact) of the sense of rapid transformation, feeling of vitality and aliveness, quality of connection, and success and happiness which started occurring to me in the fall of 2021; and the curriculum for my 6-week course, which is called Practical Relational Leadership through Authentic Relating. My goal in writing is twofold: first to see if my results, the successes I am having, are replicable{?} by others through the model and practices that I am describing; and second to gain partners and allies for the work.
The desired outcome of the work – the deep relational work – is described very eloquently in George Bernard Shaw’s quote above as “the true joy of life.” What Shaw is speaking of, if I understand him correctly, is in finding your “right place” in the world. A place in which you are effective in pursuing your agenda and your joy (maybe even becoming a “force of nature”); but where you are also surrendered and committed to a purpose which includes, but also transcends, your personal or individual preferences. Some people call this purpose, “God”; but regardless of what you call it, you are still going to need to figure out how to do it.
I see the fundamental action steps of acquiring that “true joy” as a three-step process:
- Getting clear enough on your identity to know the places and relationships where you can truly serve (along with the places you need to get out of).
- Finding a community (or movement) of teachers, allies and peers who understand the nature of your work and can train you and support you.
- And from there, getting out and doing this work (also known as practicing relational leadership in your field). Start your own groups or else lead informally (“on the street”), as described below. Bring your “work” – of education, of personal and social transformation, of pure presence, of artistic or intellectual expression, of enlightenment or healing or embodiment, whatever it is: bring your work into the world.
The important thing to be aware of here, is that you cannot do this work alone. You need to find teachers, peers and allies, and students or mentees. If you can’t find peers or allies you must develop or train them; but the job of developing peers and allies is quite difficult if you are starting from nothing, meaning you are only representing your own ideas. It is much easier if you can find an existing movement or community which you are aligned with and which has integrity, and then join it and make it better through your presence. Ideally you will do this for many such communities. Your work may not fit neatly into only one community of interest and practice.
My primary community is Authentic Relating and Circling, which is a near-perfect fit for me (with the qualifier, as already told, that almost all communities are shit-shows in some aspects, through the simple fact that humans haven’t yet learned how to get along with each other). I am also very interested in the intentional community movement, in entrepreneurship, in alternative sexuality, and in the mental health, addiction recovery and self-help movements. It was, however, my discovery and final identification with the Authentic Relating movement that initiated the shift that occurred for me in the fall of 2021. I now primarily identify myself as a relational leader within the Authentic Relating and Circling tradition, and I desire to bring that model and practice into all my other relationships and communities.
Your primary movement or identification (in case you already have one) may be different from mine, and if so, I would love for you to fully express that and start leading there. I have chosen Authentic Relating and Circling as it checks all the boxes for me: I think of it as (arguably) one of the most powerful human transformational modalities ever invented; it’s open-source and mostly low-cost; it’s usually super-fun; and it can be integrated with spectacular results into most any relationship, community, social or political movement, religion or spirituality, developmental model or self-help practice.
Furthermore, from my perspective A/R is like “the source”, or overarching context of all effective personal, social, and political developmental work: because if you can’t get along with people (despite your great ideas or high level of spiritual attainment) you probably won’t get very far in the world; whereas if you become a person whom people like and respect and want to hangout with, the scale and scope of what you can accomplish is practically unlimited. How to become that person is the essence of this book. Hint: it’s much more about how you show up for them, rather than any special knowledge or skills you bring to the table. [quote] “No one cares how much you know, until they know how much you care” – Theodore Roosevelt.
What you do once you have gained the fundamental skill of relational leadership is your business, and I hope you will use it well. I like A/R because I consider it the “missing link” in 95% of other transformational cultures and modalities, even many of the relational ones like Non-Violent Communication. There is virtually no other community or culture which can’t be improved through your personal practice of relational leadership inside that culture. And in many, or even most cases, the lack of relational leadership is the cause of the stumbling or even failure of these cultures and communities.
Authentic Relating compared to other transformational modalities
There are, of course, a large number of other transformational modalities, developmental philosophies, therapy schools, religions and communities, etc. Quite a few of these are also inherently relational in their approach. I call the relationally-focused modalities, “we-space.” More about this later. But even among the more relational schools, most (not all) miss the mark in at least one of the following:
- They are not open-source (meaning they are a for-profit brand controlled from the top).
- They are too expensive.
- They require a licensed provider, meaning they don’t work peer-to-peer.
- Or, they don’t have a global reach.
NVC also checks all of those boxes, but A/R is like NVC on steroids. At least when it’s done right. NVC does understand the fundamental context of what it means to be in relationship, and how to show up powerfully for other people; but it also misses a lot.
Note that I have nothing against for-profit, or controlled-brand, transformational modalities, including Large Group Awareness Training organizations (LGAT’s) like Landmark Worldwide, therapy modalities like Ann Weiser Cornell’s Inner Relationship Focusing, Christian Pankhurst’s HeartIQ, Peter Levine’s Somatic Experiencing, NARM, etc. (these are all highly recommended modalities. There is an annotated list of these in the Appendix. These organizations help us along, and I am a big fan of Landmark, personally.
However, if we are going to lead the world’s first truly effective “love revolution”, if we really want to effect a lasting “transformation of the quality of life on this planet” [Werner Erhard], this cannot happen through a controlled-brand or for-profit transformational modality. We need a modality, a way of being that can reach everyone, not just the people who can pay. A way of being that works peer-to-peer and hence is infinitely scalable. A way of being that works even without “shared context”, meaning the person you are relating to, doesn’t need to know or understand what you are doing to benefit and enjoy the experience of being with you.
A brief history of Authentic Relating and Circling
Origins in the Bay Area
You can read about the history of Circling and Authentic relating in my Circling Guide (www.circlingguide.com), and on Adam Coutt’s epic post. You can find both Adam’s and my articles by Googling “History of Circling”; they are both pretty good reads if you are interested in the birth of a movement. I won’t repeat all that history here, but I do want to explain some things in relation to the history of the movement and how it evolved, and name some of the major players.
Circling began before Authentic Relating, in the year 1998. The practice was “discovered” by two men, Guy Sengstock (who now runs one of the major 3 schools of Circling) and Jerry Candelaria, stoned on LSD in the desert at Burning Man. On returning to San Francisco from Burning Man, they brought the practice into the world through a workshop called “The Arete Experience”, which ran for 10 years and then shut-down after Guy burned-out. They also started a free men’s group on the beach of San Francisco which became very popular.
In the year 2003 approximately, Guy and Jerry (along with friends / allies that include Alexis Shepperd and some other women) were found by two other men, Decker Cunov and Bryan Bayer. Decker and Bryan were college friends in Missouri, and had independently discovered the Circling practice (or something very similar) even earlier than Guy and Jerry, although they did not call it “Circling” in those days. They had moved to San Francisco and created a community called “Soul2Soul”, which became the blueprint for Authentic Relating. When Decker and Bryan found Guy and Jerry, they realized that Circling and Authentic Relating were very similar in concept and practice. They trained with Guy and Jerry and joined the Arete trainings and community.
Not too long after that (2004), Decker and Bryan developed a program targeted to the “Pick-Up Artist” (or PUA) community called the “Authentic Man Program”, or AMP. PUA was a movement, which has since been discredited, to teach men how to pick-up women and have sex as quickly as possible. AMP became globally successful through their DVD training series, and was important for turning Circling and Authentic Relating into a worldwide movement in the mid-2000’s. Unlike PUA, the AMP program presents a way for men to meet women and create meaningful connections in a way that has integrity and heart. It’s also much more effective than PUA techniques (and to note here that PUA was always more effective at bonding men, than it was at creating meaningful connections with women). Thus it can be said, that AMP was the first practical application of Circling and Authentic Relating principles, into the real-world problem of sexual relationships.
Later (2011), Decker and Bryan moved to Boulder and took over the Boulder Integral Center, which became the second major school of Circling. Boulder Integral shut-down in 2019, and Bryan and Decker moved on to other things. Decker now coaches silicon valley entrepreneurs, so it could be said that entrepreneurship was the second application of Circling “technology” into the real world.
In 2008, two young men from the UK, Sean Wilkinson and John Thompson, who had also independently discovered the practice in 2002 approximately, found Guy and Jerry and trained with them. They brought the practice back to the UK, applied it to their tennis academy (which became the third application of Circling into the real world), and later started the third major school of Circling which is called Circling Europe and is based in the Netherlands. Circling Europe later split and branched off into the Austin Circling Studio / CircleAnywhere, based in Austin TX. My own school, the aforementioned Level Up where I received my training, is part of CircleAnywhere.
So, what happened to Authentic Relating?
Authentic Relating was picked-up again by Sara Ness and Jordan Allen, who created the Austin community. Sara started a school called Authentic Revolution and ran it for 10 years very successfully, becoming the #1 school of Authentic Relating. Authentic Revolution shut down in 2022, although the Austin community is still quite active. Another Authentic Relating company started up called ART International which used to be the #2 school of Authentic Relating, and is now #1 since Authentic Revolution shut down.
There are at least several dozen smaller schools of Authentic Relating and/or Circling, pretty much all of them online with occasional in-person events or retreats, doing great work, but the largest are the three remaining schools of Circling (CircleAnywhere, Circling Europe, and the Circling Institute), and the one remaining globally significant school of Authentic Relating (ART International). In addition to this, many cities, especially in North America and Northwestern Europe, have local communities of practice for either Circling, Authentic Relating, or both. Look for them on Meetup.com or on the communities map at www.AuthRev.com.
Where we stand today
Where we stand today is that the movement is just under 25 years old and there are thriving communities in many places, especially in Austin TX, the Bay area, Portland Oregon, Montreal Quebec, London and Amsterdam. There are smaller communities in many cities in the USA, Western Europe and Australia. Authentic Relating has proven itself to be a solid model for building friendship and community. The early history of Circling and Authentic Relating in San Francisco is especially inspiring as a great many friendships and collaborations were created, and large parties happened as well, the so-called “Gratitude parties.” Read Adam Coutt’s history on this, it’s on the web.
Circling variations, and copyright issues around the “Circling” brand
As discussed above, there are 3 primary lineages of Circling, of which two have survived: the Circling Institute (Guy Sengstock), Circling Europe, and Integral-style circling. CircleAnywhere is a branch off of Circling Europe, and is similar enough to not qualify as a separate lineage, even though it is now the largest Circling school.
In any case, each of those practices are different, and people in those lineages have been arguing about “what is circling” forever and quite passionately. Circling Europe, in particular, got heavy pushback from the Integral folks in the early days. The argument dissolved when the Boulder integral center and their T3 program shut-down, effectively ending integral-style circling, although that tradition is still alive through its students.
“Circling™” is now a registered trademark controlled by the Circling Institute and Circling Europe. The trademark is not enforced at the moment (or very loosely enforced), but most providers have moved away from the “circling” brand as a result of the trademark, branding their work as “relational leadership”, “Authentic Relating” or similar. Circleanywhere has rebranded as “Relatefulness.”
My take on the situation is that “Circling” is a practice inside the larger umbrella group of “Authentic Relating”. Guy Sengstock, the founder of Circling, appears to agree with this, by the way. “Authentic Relating” will remain forever an open-source brand, according to Decker Cunov who has first-use.
Due to the tension and confusion around the “Circling” brand, and legal issues, I also don’t use “Circling” in any of my groups’ branding. However, Authentic Relating started as Circling, and Circling continues to be the dominant practice inside the A/R movement; and so to take “Circling” out of the conversation altogether, simply because of potential confusion around the name, would not be helpful.
The practices of Authentic Relating and Circling
I continue this overview / summary chapter with the actual practices, the reason that they work so well, and why I think of the A/R movement as a unique and powerful emergence in human history. In Chapter 5 we’ll refresh some of the basic ideas presented here, and then get more into the nitty-gritty of how to actually work an Authentic Relating practice, both in a formal group and “on the street.”
Now, recall that Authentic relating and Circling are two separate lineages which joined together into a single movement. From my perspective there are three fundamental practices: Circling, Authentic Relating Games, and what I call “invisible Circling”, or just Authentic Relating.
Circling (or Authentic Relating with shared context)
Circling is a group conversation practice that usually lasts an hour to an hour and a half, and involves 3 to 9 people. It is possible, however, to have it go on for days and to engage as many as 50 people or more. It also works well in pairs. Circling happens in person in many places around the world, or online via Zoom. Both are great. There are also weekend workshops and advanced training programs (including CircleAnywhere’s Level Up, Circling Europe’s SAS, and Circling Institute’s Art of Circling), which often run 6 to 9 months.
Circling within the Authentic Relating tradition distinguishes itself from almost all other “Circle technologies” as follows. I define ”Circling” as any practice of un-withheld, present-moment connection to self and others, particularly when it involves an agreement around “welcome everything”, aka “surrender.” Because of its present-moment focus, Circling is quite similar to encounter-group or T-group, with the exception that in Circling, “stories” are permissible to the extent that stories are actually happening inside all of us in the present moment; and also all Circling carries an explicit focus on “getting each other’s worlds.” Without that, if the group is only for self-expression or emotional discharge, it’s not Circling.
The idea of Circling within the A/R tradition, is, like all good ideas, very simple in theory and infinitely complex in execution: it’s the present-moment awareness and processing of our experience with other people, but with love, or what we call “connection intent.” This involves taking every experience that comes to us, every reaction we have towards other people (happy or sad, “good” or “bad”) and responding with love, or care. I view Circling as a “love bootcamp”, a place where we can be who we are and make mistakes, mistakes which will (hopefully) be held by the leader and the group with kindness and compassion, and from which we will learn and grow.
Two clarifications here.
First one relating to “responding with love.” This doesn’t mean being [quote] “nicey-nice.” When we cheat another human being of our authentic emotional response, whether this response be positive or negative, it does two things: first, it cheats the other person out of information that could be useful to them for their development, and/or the opportunity to feel close to us. Second and maybe even more significant, it cheats us of our desire to connect to this person: because as soon as we carry a “withhold” towards someone (more about “withholds” later), it creates a barrier to intimacy. We drop out of our natural desire to connect, love and care for others and go into judgments, “separation stories” or other not-helpful ideation or emotional reactions.
Obviously, giving a person negative feedback can be stressful on both the receiving and the sending side. A good portion of this book will be dedicated to this problem, which is thorny. Giving and receiving negative feedback skillfully and with grace is one of the fundamental skills of human relations, and it’s not easy.
Circling versus Non-Violent Communication
A second clarification is the difference between Circling and NVC. There is a large overlap between Circling and NVC, the main difference being that Circling is 100% a presence-practice, or in-the-moment revealing and processing of our individual and collective experience; while NVC can include that, but it’s primarily a communication model or didactic approach to human relationships. Circling’s 100% focus on presence is both a strength and a challenge or limitation, as told in the previous chapter.
Given, however, that Circling integrates many of the core elements of the NVC model, even OFNR which is very useful at times, I consider Circling what we call in Integral theory a [quote.]“transcend and include” of NVC. We get more into Circling and Integral theory in chapter “X”. I will just say for now that Circling fits into the integral model very powerfully and elegantly. Circling may, indeed, be the best way to learn and actually “be” integral (as opposed to just talking about it, which is what many alleged “integral” people actually do. For background information about this, Google Mark Manson’s incisive critique of the integral movement in the article, “the rise and fall of Ken Wilber”.
Practically speaking – this may not be your experience but I will say it – once you get good at Circling and Authentic Relating you may not want to do anything else, and you may feel bored, or “tied-down”, or frustrated with NVC, especially in a beginner group. In a higher-level or skilled group, however, you may have a hard-time distinguishing between NVC and Circling. It may look quite similar.
I say all this because NVC has maybe five or ten times the reach of Circling and Authentic Relating. Despite [my opinion] that it’s not as powerful and is not fully an integral model. I desire more people to know about Circling and Authentic Relating, and what’s possible there. This is one of my big reasons for writing this book.
Authentic Relating as part of the worldwide emergence of Integral 2nd-tier consciousness
It is my [unproven] belief that the skillful practice of Authentic Relating and Circling will automatically, in time, take you to a developmental level called “yellow” (or teal) within the Integral Psychology framework, which has absorbed Don Beck’s Spiral Dynamics model. “Yellow” is the first fully Integral level of consciousness. Ken Wilber has been talking very excitedly for more than two decades about the upcoming worldwide shift to Integral 2nd-tier consciousness. This shift, if and when it happens, would be a quantum leap in the history of civilization comparable to the invention of agriculture. According to Integral Psychology, if and when a critical mass of people transition to “yellow” or higher (“turquoise”), it will solve many problems in the world. This shift is actually inevitable (maybe even “the irresistible revolution”), but nobody knows when it will happen, and it might be too late to save the planet.
Right now, it is estimated that 1-2% of the world’s population are at “yellow” or higher. We’ll say more about that in Chapter “X”. It is a very, very important shift, individually and collectively, because at the Integral levels (also known as post-conventional levels), you stop being at war with people at previous levels. Much of the current problems in the United States relate to the ongoing culture-wars between so-called Green, Orange and Amber. In essence, you understand all prior developmental levels and acquire the ability to get along with everybody. However, all developmental levels have particular gifts and limitations, and blind spots. Even Yellow and higher. Yellows can be arrogant, impatient, and overly heady and disconnected (ouch). No level is better than any other, exactly.
Hence, being at Yellow doesn’t make you a saint. I believe that I am at Yellow, and I am far from being a saint. Of course I may be deluded about that. Many alleged “integral” people are deluded. To be integral 2nd-tier you can’t merely understand the ideas intellectually, you have to [quote] “get it in your bones.” Besides, few of us actually live on one level all the time and in all contexts of our lives. But regardless, if you think you have jumped a level but this doesn’t manifest in changes to your attitude, beliefs, behavior and communications, and/or improvements in your relationships, believe me you are not there.
Why Circling is so developmental: the “love bootcamp”
But let me return to the main thread here: once you understand the idea of Circling as a “love bootcamp”, that the goal is essentially transforming every experience into love (or insight, or learning, or connection, or belonging, or understanding, or empathy/appreciation, etc.) you will understand why it’s so powerful in real-world scenarios as well: because, quite simply, if you can transform every experience you have in a formal circle, into love, then you can, hopefully, do this in the world too.
The problem here is that it is much more difficult to practice Authentic Relating in the world (versus in the context of an intentional circling group), for two reasons.
The first reason is that there is more at stake. You can always walk away from a formal circle, and lose nothing other than the learning opportunity, perhaps. But if you walk away from a relationship in the world, or else communicate inappropriately or not-lovingly, or lose your temper, etc., the cost could be enormous: you could lose your job, your housing, or other important relationships. You could even end up isolated and ostracized by people who used to be your friends and allies. You could lose connection with your family – although in some cases this will be a positive thing. More about this later.
And the second reason why practicing Authentic Relating is more difficult in the world than in your groups, is what we call “lack of shared context.” In a formal group, like in a facilitated circle or an Authentic Relating game evening, “connection intent” is a shared context. Meaning that, you can pretty much assume that the people present are interested in exploring deep connection, and are open to pushing their edges there. In a real-world scenario, and especially in a conflictual situation with a business associate or stranger, you cannot assume this. In your typical real-world scenario, you cannot expect that the emotion of anger, in particular, will be seen as valuable and worth exploring in an intimate or vulnerable container. Or any other emotion either: affection, lust, fear, tenderness, loneliness, etc. In a real-world scenario, you may feel your very humanity so limited and boxed-in that you are left with only two options: collapse or explode in anger. Neither of these are winning options.
It is almost always possible, in any situation, to communicate in a way that increases depth, understanding, and connection. (I find Lisa’s story in Chapter 5, section 7, especially inspiring). But it is much more difficult in a situation in which “shared context” is lacking, and/or basic ignorance of emotional literacy, which is the default situation in the “real world”.
This problem, of how to respond lovingly and authentically in an emotionally illiterate culture, is the topic of this book. Keep on reading, and maybe we can figure this out, together. For now, simply consider the possibility that almost everyone experiences this problem, and yet almost nobody speaks about it. That you are not alone.
What makes Authentic Relating so powerful?
I continue the previous section, of why it is so challenging to be present and loving in an emotionally illiterate culture, a culture that is preoccupied and obsessed with performance and achievement, rather than connection and well-being. A culture so ridden with [mostly unconscious] developmental trauma, and dominated by cult psychology. A shame-based culture which is fundamentally and tragically disconnected and ignorant of the fundamental human needs of belonging and impact/contribution.
This is a problem that is only solvable through courage and vulnerability. You have to model to others how you want them to show up for you. You must “teach only love.”
“Authentic Relating on the street” is usually not easy. It’s not easy because it will fundamentally challenge your identity and your self-concept (which you are probably quite attached to). It may even awaken all your ghosts of fear, self-loathing, self-victimization, rage, or worse, who will come out and demand to be seen and acknowledged by you, whether you are ready to receive them or not. If you can do it successfully, however, it will likely be the most rewarding thing you have ever done.
It is a natural human reaction to push away strong emotion of any kind, especially negative or blameful thoughts and emotions, and to respond with judgment and distancing. This is considered normal. As a result, many of us walk around with a lot of anxiety, loneliness and pain that has nowhere to go and which then feeds on itself, creating an even greater feeling of separation from other human beings. Hardly anyone, really, gets the quality of attention that would enable them to shift the painful sense of separation that we all feel sometimes, and that some of us feel all the time. Our interactions with people tend to be quite functional, sometimes even the people closest to us. We tend to put a lot of effort into deeply cloaking our humanity. We are taught that this is the way things are and that we just have to get used to it, and we do our best to put a happy face on it (because we fear that if we didn’t, we would feel even more isolated). And our effort to pretend that everything is okay when it really isn’t, obviously compounds the problem.
But there is good news here, which is that we don’t have to cloak our humanity. We can strive for all of our interactions with people to have truth and care in them, which also, ironically, makes us much more effective in all spheres of life.
The idea of Authentic Relating is to respond to people from an assumption that everyone desires, at some level, to love and be loved, to know and be known, to belong. The need to belong, to be part of a group who knows us and cares for us, is deeply embedded in the context of being human, for the obvious reason that in the tribal culture from which we evolved, belonging is life-and-death. The need to belong continues to underlie much of our behavior but is rarely something that people talk about or even admit.
The practice of Authentic Relating is a way of interacting with people with the assumption that they want to belong, to be valued and cared for, and to be acknowledged for their contributions. It is a fairly simple and extraordinarily powerful practice that consists, fundamentally, in leading with vulnerability, which is further described below, and providing quality attention and compassion to people. It is an exercise that can be done with no prior agreement and which is virtually guaranteed to transform all of your relationships – as long as you can maintain the discipline of only sharing the thoughts and feelings that are in some way relevant and relateable to the other person.
Authentic Relating Games
Authentic Relating games is the second major practice of the Circling and Authentic Relating movement.
A/R Games are a more structured approach to connection than Circling is. Rather than going into a group and then exploring “what’s alive” in the space in an unstructured way, you are given exercises or “sharing prompts” (so-called “sentence stems”) or games to play. The games can be partner-shares, small-group breakouts, or exercises with the whole group. For instance: you may be asked to share how you are feeling in the moment with respect to the group, or something that you are afraid of saying, or a story you have about yourself that you want to change. One of my favorite games is called “Next”, in which you go around in a circle telling your neighbor something that you wish people would say to you (for instance, “you are so sexy!”, or whatever).
A/R games are sometimes scary but also often super-fun, because generally in the world we don’t have permission to vulnerably communicate our internal experience, and/or we are too scared to do so. The A/R Game format solves this problem, essentially, as it gives us permission (although not an obligation) to share ourselves more openly.
Beyond sentence stems and sharing prompts, you can do all kinds of things in an A/R Game. Another favorite of mine is the “hot-seat game” in which someone volunteers to go on the “hot-seat”, and people in the group ask that person personal questions guided by their genuine curiosity. The person on the hot-seat can tell the truth, lie or refuse to answer (and doesn’t have to say which!); while the person asking the question always responds with a simple “thank you” (i,e. It’s not an ordinary conversation, which keeps the attention on the hot-seat person for the duration). This, by the way, solves a very common problem: that in ordinary conversation people often don’t listen or truly relate, they are just waiting for a prompt or excuse to come in with their own story. “Hot-seats” is a very simple but powerful game. And there are many more.
This is another example of the usefulness of “shared context”: imagine how many deep personal questions you would ask people in your world, maybe even people you had just met, if you both carried the shared context that your question came out of a desire to know them better and be their friend, and that it would be perfectly okay for them to tell you that they don’t feel comfortable sharing that in the moment? Every question would deepen the intimacy, because the person you are asking the question would probably appreciate your interest and curiosity, even if they did not feel like answering, at least immediately.
“Invisible Circling”, or Authentic Relating without shared context
“Invisible Circling” is like Circling people without telling them that you are Circling them. You are being and communicating out of a desire to know them, understand them and be close to them, or have fun with them, but you are not stating this intention directly. You are just doing it. I call this practice simply “Authentic Relating” (as distinguished from the formal practice of Authentic Relating games, or the formal practice of Circling). Or, equivalently, “Authentic Relating on the street.”
While some people might consider “Authentic Relating on the street” manipulative or unethical, I don’t. I do not consider it ethically necessary to tell a person, especially a person whom I have just met, that I want to understand them and feel close to them and maybe want to be their friend. I do sometimes tell them that I am interested and curious about them. This is called an “appreciation”, by the way. Appreciations are the single most powerful tool of Authentic Relating and relatively low-risk, which is why I dedicate most of chapter “X” to this topic.
You must, however, adapt your communications to the person’s receptivity. If you ask them a question and they either deflect it or look embarrassed or even angry, you can either drop it and change the topic, or else you can ask them directly how they felt about the question, give empathy, or apologize for making them feel uncomfortable. The only thing you could do here that might be potentially unethical (or not-connecting) would be to continue probing even after they have told you directly or indirectly that they don’t want to go there with you.
But for the rest, you are human and therefore you are curious. Your curiosity is nothing for you to feel badly about or make yourself wrong. You just have to be skillful (or tactful) in expressing your curiosity. It would also be unskillful to judge a person or make them wrong for their unwillingness to answer a sensitive question.
Authentic Relating on the street is truly where the “rubber hits the road” in deep connection practice. It is the ultimate goal of all the training that you do in your Circling groups. Not everyone in the movement agrees with me on this one (it is not “shared context” within the movement), but I suspect 80-90% of practitioners do agree. Remember also that Authentic Relating on the street is much more challenging than Circling in your groups or doing Authentic Relating games. I have already shared the reason for this, it’s the “lack of shared context.”
This idea of Circling as a love-bootcamp, a training ground for practicing Authentic Relating in the real world and as a powerful tool for personal, social and political transformation, is not something that is generally presented and taught at Circling workshops and classes, and there are reasons for this which I share below. But for me this idea is key, absolutely fundamental. Without this idea, Circling loses most of its power. At best you will find a group of people that you feel “in-sync” with and communicate important things to, things which you would not have the courage to say to anyone else in your life. You will have a good time (at best) a few hours a week with these people, and then you will go home to your lonely flat or dysfunctional marriage or family or community and say nothing. This is not a bad thing – you will at least have a few hours a week of real connection, and will learn something – but it’s also kind of missing the point, from my perspective.
If you join a circle without, at minimum, what I call, “the tender fragile hopefulness”, of doing something “real” with it, something that could have a profound impact on yourself and your environment, you are missing the boat. I know this perspective may sound, to some, harsh or extreme, and it may be wrong for some people. For some people, just showing up in a circle is huge.
However, if you truly want to be happy (“the true joy in life”) you have to make a positive contribution to your environment, and you must join with other people who are doing the same. And remember as well, that Circling in your groups is not enough for you to become a competent relational leader. You have to practice on the street. You become competent in emotional communication by practicing without “shared context” and with people from all walks of life. Some of these people may find the idea of Authentic Relating, or else your desire to do it, completely ridiculous, which is why you won’t explain it to them upfront. You will just do it, see how they respond, and then adapt to them. It’s actually 90% probable that they will respond positively; and when they don’t, you (and maybe them) will learn something. If this is true, your decision to practice Authentic Relating with the people in your environment ought to be a no-brainer.
But back to the reasons that the idea of Circling as a “love bootcamp” is not usually taught in beginner circles or Circling workshops. The main reason is that Circling and A/R practices are very difficult to describe, and beginners may not be able to understand it conceptually prior to having the experience. As a Circling and A/R leader, to open a beginner circle or training circle with the idea that this is a practice that has the capacity to change not just their lives, but the world as we know it, may sound inflated or arrogant. Even if it’s true, it may not be helpful to say it. It won’t necessarily help your students to learn the practice, and to begin a discussion of Circling as a powerful movement for social and political transformation, may even take your students out of the moment or into heady conversations, which is the opposite of what you want as a Circling leader.
Even so, I am personally on the fence about the failure in many schools to name Circling as a love bootcamp. I wish that more training circles spoke to the power of Circling to change the world as we know it. In my own groups I say this upfront, immediately. And nobody has ever complained.
Moving forward
The next Chapter 4 is a grab-bag of ideas and communications which will help your Authentic Relating and/or Circling practice. I will explain my framework for emotional literacy, the impact of large-scale developmental trauma, the delicate topic of coaching and story-telling in Circling, and the powerful practice of giving withholds.
